Change.

that Bill and I are officially going through the separation and soon, no-fault divorce process.

This may or may not be a shock. I feel, many probably have been feeling it's a long time coming. I'm not big on airing out stuff to family-keep problems and such between Bill and I as much as possible. (minus those few posts where I was so upset I had to vent.)

The long story of it, and I'll try to keep it as short as possible-is that Bill and I are better friends than partners. We are just not on the same page/level with life, where we want to go, what we want to do, and many other things.

There have been things in the past that have affected both of us and our trust/comfort levels. And after sitting and really thinking about it. We just can't keep going in circles anymore. We've had discussions in the past, where I've been told "why are you still with me?", "why don't you just leave?", "why don't you just divorce me?".

It's far from the first time. We've had at least one conversation a year that resulted in him asking/telling/saying the above to me.

I just....I just decided that enough was enough. It's time to admit when you're tired emotionally, mentally, and physically. It's time to admit to myself that I've been trying for far too long and far too hard, with little to no results on either of our parts.

You can only sit next to each other on the couch for so long and actually wish and hope things to change-and keep finding they don't.

So...I decided I had to initiate the hardest thing EVER, in my life. I never thought I'd come down to this decision. I never thought it would actually happen...but I need to do what is best for both Bill and I. Us, together, like this does not do either of us any bit of good.

We both (much to my shock) are on the same page with this today. And he expressed his thoughts and feelings that he really does feel it will be better for us this way. That neither of us are failures. That we'll both be better for it. He is supportive, and said that I will definitely be fine on my own. Just as he will be.

We'll be doing this as quickly and efficiently as possible. Based on his schedule and what we can accomplish on Fridays/Saturdays. He's looking at an apartment today. We got my phone changed to my own account. I just changed the electricity. I'll be putting the storage unit in his name next week. Mediacom might be tricker, but it'll be dealt with. Might actually see if they have a deal or bundle thing that would be affordable. But I'm anticipating on being without t.v. for awhile. it'll be good for me. I won't miss it that much, anyways.

I will be staying at the apartment with the kitties.

It's not easy for me to admit that I had to do it, but I had to do it. We had to do it. And we're going to do our best to be amicable, and stay on friendly terms. Bill is very aware of issues that need to be dealt with on his own person. I'll be able to be fully independent for once in my life (well, give it a winning try)...I feel like it'll work. I'm determined, in a tough cookie sort of way.

I've been told by a few friends (well, my co-worker's mom and my bestie) that I am very strong, and I'm handling this very well under the emotional/stressful circumstances.

I just wanted to let you guys know. I'm gradually working my way through this. Step-by-step. Only way I know how.