Thursday, February 3, 2011
Sometimes I feel completely
I'm still having arm and hand issues from my shoveling extravaganza. I'm also feeling increasingly more and more anxious and unsure of myself at work. I suppose it will take time. The whole situation became a mess very quickly, but I'll admit unease now moreso than not whenever a mistake is made on my part. Even if that mistake or event was given the ok by a superior.
Who do I listen to?
Who do I turn to?
How am I to feel fully confident of my actions when I'm told that I shouldn't do something by one, but when that person isn't around and I turn to the second in command they say for the situation, it is ok.
I'm being pulled around like a rag doll in a game of work politics.
Give me sanity.
Then it comes to my cats....I feel such a lack in confidence in myself right now. I know I'm doing as right by them as possible. I still feel unsure, uneasy, and increasingly more sleep deprived since I let Bella take her own health in her paws, so to say. Basically if she decides she wants to eat at 3 a.m., I get up-get her food-shut her in the bathroom for awhile-go back to bed.
I do not know what to do.
I cannot free feed because the food she eats isn't of the kind of quality I want Cordelia to eat. Also, Cordelia would eat food from Bella.
Bella doesn't eat a lot at one time, she seems to do best by feeding mini-meals multiple times a day/night.
I shut her in the bathroom during long work shifts-no one else is home and I'll admit that sometimes it gets to be very disheartening and exhausting to be cleaning up 2+ puke spots right when you get home if she is left out of the bathroom without food.
Try to feed her two meals, expect puke. Feed her too much, expect puke. 8 times out of 10 if she's left out for an extended period of time without food, expect puke.
This does not happen every day, but it is more regular than what I would like...and even tho he doesn't try to ask 'why is she throwing up' the way he does...sometimes my husband makes me feel like Bella's stomach issues are all my fault.
He asks the way he does, because he isn't home. But seriously, it's always a question....the supplements I give, etc. 'she wasn't throwing up until you started giving her this'....
Why do you switch her food all the time?
Questioned me and my not giving her the antibiotics the vet gave me back in October when she had a bought of vomiting daily. Said probably IBD and wanted to try that vs. a steroid.
Well, the antibiotic made her drool, the antibiotic cut out her appetite. The antibiotic did not help. And when you have a cat that is all of 5 pounds vs. the 8.5 she once was, you want her to eat damnit.
I do not admit to being a know it all, but I do admit to following my gut when I feel something isn't working or if something is off with my kitties. I'm not a vet, I do not know what I'm doing...but I know when something that is suggested isn't working for my cat. I see my cats every damn day...I try to do my best by them. I might not be perfect (or purrfect) but I love them. They are my life.
Bill is expected home at some point today. I can't help but feel some anxiety. He is also keeping plans to go out this weekend. So I have no idea how that will go (if he's staying overnight or no).
I was to go out of town too, which I'm not glad I am not because of Bella...but there is talk of some snow.
I am not going to feel guilty for not going-if there is any chance of snow, and being I would be driving in unfamiliar territory...better home safe than sorry.
I'm being gentle with myself, letting myself have a break from class stuff for the moment (will resume Friday/Saturday) and letting myself enjoy books-Buckley's Story and starting The Zen of Max.
And yeah, looking at kitties on Petfinder...just looking, no expectations...liking some, sharing others. It makes me happy when I see that a cat doesn't show up=adopted.
Also made a small pot of coffee...today I feel is a 3 and 4th cup day.
I know confidence in myself has to come from within...but what do you do when you feel so raped of it?
The only time I feel there is right in the world (currently) is when I wake up to find Bella sitting on my stomach because she is demanding to be fed. When I wake up to find Cordelia lying on my stomach/chest because it is time to get up.