Thursday, February 24, 2011
Because I ranked quite high on the depression checklist, I've been prescribed a low dose of generic Prozac.
The doctor knows full well I'm not using this as a 'cure' but as something to help me along while I get the help I need.
From conversing with him, it's also noted that Bill should get re-evaluated. He doesn't regularly take anti-anxiety medication; he's never gone back to talk and see if he needs his dose altered or to be on something different altogether.
My dr. feels that my depression/anxiety is more because of what I'm soaking up from Bill-that he and I seriously need to get into counseling otherwise...we'll have nothing.
Enter my trying to talk to him last night.
I hate saying, but I feel like I've given up before I even started. I feel like he doesn't REALLY understand, let alone gives a crap. He might love me...but he's perfectly content to play the card that reads "The world is against me. The world doesn't accept who I REALLY am!"
Do you think it is so normal for you to accuse your wife of judging you all the time?
You never listen to me.
You do not even try to SEE what I go through for you, for this so-called love we share.
I like drinking, I like getting drunk. I like looking at porn...it's fascinating.
All while I go to work, do my best to save up money for future cat-care, maybe a home, and anything else that may surprise me.
I try to respect you, love you, and understand you. I hole myself up during the week because I have too much anxiety to go out.
I do not go out with you because I do not want to dampen your enjoyment. And you hate seeing me there 'judging' you and being 'grumpy' and 'not having a good time.'
While my husband tries to get me drunk and disrespects me in front of his 'friends'.
I clean up cat vomit weekly...don't think that I do not see you just sitting on the couch and chatting away with your co-worker or a friend on FB while I clean it up. I hide my tears, because I hate seeing Bella Mae going through this. I have to take care of her...a geriatric cat...while I try to 'take care' of our failing relationship.
You put so much pressure on me. You want ME to make the decisions. You throw out 'why don't you leave me? Why don't you divorce me? Why are you here, if I'm so bad? Thanks for making me feel like crap, I really needed that.'
Always a retort. Always justification. Always excuses. You say you will go to the doctor when you 'have time'.
Um, excuse me?
(pardon my "French")
You make the fucking time.
Doctors are available at the walk-in clinic on Saturdays.
And you know very well if it gets to the point where you want to die again, I cannot help you.
I've never felt more un-loved in my entire life than I do now. Having our relationship be so conditional. You keep asking me what I want. You do not care about what I want; if you did, you would have gotten the help you needed.
I wish I were brave enough to send you this blog post. I am not.
After chatting last night, I really could care less if I talked to you for 24 hours at this point. You need time to think. You need to start making decisions.
I hate to say it, but if I left, I wouldn't be the one blamed for it by others' eyes...do not think family and friends are so stupid to not see how much you HAVE changed. I am not saying I do not have any fault in this...but I am seeking out help for myself. I've gone to therapy before...I'm being pro-active. All you seem to care about is being able to manipulate my feelings and put me on the spot.
Conditions...conditional...all or nothing.
You have NOT given me your ALL.
Why should I continue to give you mine?
Only thing keeping me together right now are friends who give a crap, my doctor, and my cats. Even tho I'm dying a little inside because of Bella's declining or stable-but shaky health. I live every day for the love I have for them.
I've lived every day for about 8 years living my life for you. Loving you, defending you, accepting you, but yet wanting to push you to be the best version of yourself.
I truly have to get off my high horse and accept that I cannot MAKE you change....I've known this...but talking last night really knocked the wind out of me. I am not going to allow myself to feel defeated. I am not going to allow myself to be disrespected. I am not going to allow myself to be belittled.
You might be my husband, and you might feel like you have control over me...never once have I blamed you for any of my depression issues. Yet you point fingers.
Maybe if you woke up.
I have no idea how you will tho.
I guess that isn't my problem now, is it?