Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sometimes people surprise you

and sometimes you embarrass yourself.

Without all the sordid details of what transpired; we'll just say something happened that should've probably happened differently. Unexpectedly I did not react how I normally would've...instead I went into a full-blown panic attack.
Head pounding, ears ringing, I could hear my heart...
the surge of nausea came over me, my body felt completely hot
sweat coming from pores unknown
my eyes couldn't focus; white filled most of my vision
I felt in but very much out of my body

Have you ever tried to function when you feel you could barely move? Let alone comprehend what you were doing? Like your brain was partially shut off? I could see numbers through the white, but I had a hard time moving, pressing buttons, and getting my body to follow my head.

I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff, purposely teetering over the edge...I called my co-worker's name, but he didn't hear me the first time. That made my panic rise...will I seriously, pass out in front of customers? I could feel the customers staring at me, I couldn't make eye-contact. I knew they were wondering what was wrong with me. My stomach rolled, I worried that I would throw up.
Second time I called his name-go sit down, you look white.

Head between my legs, I sat in the office. Collecting my thoughts, regaining composure; I worried he would have too many customers to handle and no one to help. The heat went away, replaced by chills; my body was cold from the sweat. I didn't know I could sweat so much in areas typically not sweaty...
I went to the bathroom, my stomach upset wasn't as bad as I feared, but I did end up throwing up.
Shakily I put some more gum in my mouth, wiped off my face, and went back to work. I didn't stop shivering until probably a half-hour or so later.

I can recall one other panic attack, but that was soon after starting at the I haven't had one for over 2 years; and never one this bad. Might wonder why am I writing about it since I feel so embarrassed by it in the first place? Not sure. Maybe to see if anyone else has had one. I'm trying to also work out my feelings over it-because becoming essentially, that vulnerable, embarrasses me. I also worry that it will be taken in the wrong context-'can't tell Josie anything because she'll freak out'....I worry it will inhibit further communication where it is needed.
Not a sob story, not wanting attention...I've been in many situations that caused me stress before-why last night? Of all nights and all times, why last night and in front of customers and people with whom it would embarrass me. I have no idea if the one person knows; and I'm not necessarily thrilled if they know what happened either. I want to yell, scream, and just throw out my frustrations...the situation should've gone differently. I have no idea why my body betrayed me. I want to make well-known this is not a common reaction, and I do not want it to be tied to me like an old tire. 'Oh that Josie, she's so dramatic'.
If I do something wrong, I want to know it right away. I want to do the best job possible-I do not want this to prevent my being told ways to improve. It would be nice tho, to not have topics of job performance brought up at more appropriate times tho.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Josie, I have been terrible about keeping up with blog reading. I just read this today and wanted to say, I have had many many many of these. Mostly when I was younger (early 20's) and was in a tough spot in life with extreme anxiety caked with an extra side of depression. I had one so bad once in a grocery store (with two little ones in tow) that it actually caused me chest pain and I was taken to ER. They basically told me to take my xanax and reduce my stress...yes apparently it is supposed to be that easy. It really is not. I have suffered with these issues since my early teen years. I know you don't know a lot about me personally but I did have a tough childhood/teenage years. I am finally now in the past few years able to cope and deal with my issues. I can live life (medicine free!) and enjoy it. I hope you can find the right combination that will work for you and that you can recover from the embarrassment. Mental illness is just as serious as any other physical ailment and it requires treatment. Hugs!