Friday, January 28, 2011

How to talk about something

that shouldn't be talked about. I'm sadly feeling very alone right now and am not really sure in which direction to go with this predicament.
Basically, it seems as tho my spouse has lied to me, and tried to cover it up...but after my initial panic over the situation realized it was a lie. I'm thinking his lack of calling me tonight is all based around that he figured I probably figured he lied.
It's hard...hard to accept that sometimes relationships are just not what they seem. That you can do whatever it is in your power to try and make it work, but unless the OTHER person wants it to, it will not.
You sit and wonder, have they EVER wanted it to work? Or maybe they are just as afraid as you are over the fact it isn't.
Bless my mum for listening to me talk about all of this tonight, but I'm me there is no exception to looking at porn vs. having a real relationship with a real human.
To the extent that porn has taken over his life is more than I can personally take. It's come to a point where it seems he cannot help himself, and if he cannot help himself, then he sure as hell can't help me.
Damn me for ever thinking that getting married would be the greatest thing in the world. Damn me for putting myself in a situation where I do not have the financial means to just up and leave or make a divorce happen.
Damn me for EVER thinking that I needed a man to make me happy. No. No I do not.
I do have to admit, however, my financial resources are minimal right now. I do have to admit I cannot simply just up and leave because I took on the responsibility of two cats. I admit that I really wish that this marriage business WOULD work...I would like to be happy. I would like for US to be really love each other and to respect each other.
I refuse to be disrespected anymore.
I refuse to let him hurt me anymore.
He's welcome to do what he wants...but he isn't going to have an affect on me anymore.

In other more humorous news, which really isn't THAT funny, Cordelia scratched a hole in the plastic covering the living room window. At least I have packing tape.
I think she's trying hard to put a smile on my face....I still want to cry tho.

Tomorrow will be a better day, spending time with mum and my favorite aunt and uncle. Then making a phone date with my Peapod (I had a phone date tonight with my friend, Amber)

I will love myself....I will love my kitties, and love those who love me.
I'm not going to let this get me down.
I will be ok.


  1. Only you can decide what's right for you, Josie. Maybe talking with a counsellor might help give you perspective/options.

    When my ex and I split, I had been unemployed for a year and a half and by then was (unknowingly) depressed. But fear and necessity can be great motivators and 6 weeks later I was working full time. (I'm still at the same job, a decade later, knock on wood.)

    If you have temp agencies or employment/retraining agencies in your area (not sure how that works in the U.S.), you could make use of their resources. Even if you and your husband stay together, it's very empowering for a woman to be able to stand on her own feet, financially, and know she can take care of herself, pay the bills. (Of course, as in my case, that might not include the thousands of dollars spent in vet bills!)

    Good luck...Sending Light and hugs.

  2. Thanks Kea :)

    The thing would be I would either need a completely new job or to find a way to wrangle myself into two jobs. Due to the amount that I cashier-I've developed repetitive motion issues...that and allergies to chemicals used in salons prevents me from sucking it up and being a Cosmetologist again.
    I could likely make living somewhere work on my salary if I found an apartment that was smaller and cost less for rent. Then it gets to be 'cats allowed?' No matter what they come with me. (or stay)
    We do have an unemployment agency in town-and I do look at the circular to see what is around or no. Last thing I need (in the whole) is to burn myself out with work as well.
    I will seek out a counselor, but from having done it in the's not terribly high on my priority list ONLY due to the fact my insurance covers so little. And since I just signed up for a class and am paying that off re-credit card, I do not want my 500+ therapy bill to come bite me in the ass just yet.
    I'm going to try and just take it one day at a time. I have a book or two I can start reading that might help me get some perspective. And my blog, and my friends :)

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