that shouldn't be talked about. I'm sadly feeling very alone right now and am not really sure in which direction to go with this predicament.
Basically, it seems as tho my spouse has lied to me, and tried to cover it up...but after my initial panic over the situation realized it was a lie. I'm thinking his lack of calling me tonight is all based around that he figured I probably figured he lied.
It's hard...hard to accept that sometimes relationships are just not what they seem. That you can do whatever it is in your power to try and make it work, but unless the OTHER person wants it to, it will not.
You sit and wonder, have they EVER wanted it to work? Or maybe they are just as afraid as you are over the fact it isn't.
Bless my mum for listening to me talk about all of this tonight, but I'm sorry....to me there is no exception to looking at porn vs. having a real relationship with a real human.
To the extent that porn has taken over his life is more than I can personally take. It's come to a point where it seems he cannot help himself, and if he cannot help himself, then he sure as hell can't help me.
Damn me for ever thinking that getting married would be the greatest thing in the world. Damn me for putting myself in a situation where I do not have the financial means to just up and leave or make a divorce happen.
Damn me for EVER thinking that I needed a man to make me happy. No. No I do not.
I do have to admit, however, my financial resources are minimal right now. I do have to admit I cannot simply just up and leave because I took on the responsibility of two cats. I admit that I really wish that this marriage business WOULD work...I would like to be happy. I would like for US to be happy...to really love each other and to respect each other.
I refuse to be disrespected anymore.
I refuse to let him hurt me anymore.
He's welcome to do what he wants...but he isn't going to have an affect on me anymore.
In other more humorous news, which really isn't THAT funny, Cordelia scratched a hole in the plastic covering the living room window. At least I have packing tape.
I think she's trying hard to put a smile on my face....I still want to cry tho.
Tomorrow will be a better day, spending time with mum and my favorite aunt and uncle. Then making a phone date with my Peapod (I had a phone date tonight with my friend, Amber)
I will love myself....I will love my kitties, and love those who love me.
I'm not going to let this get me down.
I will be ok.