Sunday, January 23, 2011

Bill is on the road again

Baby Dainty-who lives with her grandma.
after being home for a few days. I'm feeling lonely again, even tho he and I had a not so great conversation on Friday. I'll leave out details, but I'll say I put the ball in his court. Basically to think about whether or not he feels change is the right thing for him-and basically he can decide what he wants his role to be. I decided what I want-but he needs to decide what he wants. I'm not going to keep defending myself and laying myself out to be verbally thrashed every time I call him out. I deserve better...he always puts the ball in my court...time to give him what he to say.
We'll see.
And more joyous news at work, more pregnancies! It's exciting, but in the same sense it takes me on an emotional and mental journey.
I feel silly for even talking about it or thinking about it in that way. But I went though a period when I was first dating Bill-I wanted to have babies..definitely. Now it's gone the opposite way-more issues I have found with us, more goals I decided I wanted to I'd rather have cats. Doesn't mean I do not want to have the newness of a baby tho-more like kitten than baby.
I guess I feel tho, I have to remind myself that there isn't anything wrong with not having's not saying I'm not ever going to...but that it is ok that I'm going to be 27, will be going on 5 years of being married and over 8 being together in general; and no kids.
Learning and still learning to stop comparing myself and my life to others. Not easy sometimes.
In other news, Bella Mae is doing well...Cordelia as spunky as ever. I keep going back and forth-so I will throw out a question to the cat owners.
Bella Mae is a sophisticated older cat who has been paired up with a very vivacious and loving Tortie 'baby'...who will be turning a year old in March.
Cordelia loves to play-Bella Mae wants to be left alone. Their relationship is one of co-existence, but not of necessary harmony.
I have a 2 bedroom apartment with cat trees and fun things...I say, enrichments. I do worry that 3 would be pushing trees or no. I do feel the environment is somewhat stressful for both Bella Mae and myself because of Cordelia and her playfulness.
Would it be best for me to simply wait to bring in a cat that would be receptive to Cordelia's tortitude and spunk...or might that be the answer? I can play with her multiple times a day-it isn't enough....and all long sessions of play too.
The other worry I have is that it would be 2 against one....
Or I'm simply asking for advice...should I try Feliway? I've been working with flower essences, but am not opposed to other forms of alternative therapy.

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