The ball is in your court, Bella Mae

Winter '09 

I'm just the one that is watching for the cues and listening.
We're doing the best we can, right now it's keeping her comfortable, but also keeping her in the bathroom when I'm gone long hours.
I came home the other night, after feeding her and talking to my husband on the phone; cleaned litter boxes. I could still smell something 'amiss' so I looked in the bedroom and within a few inches of Bella Mae, was a pile of poo. She didn't care, didn't seem phased...just sat meatloaf style while tears formed in my eyes. I cleaned it up, sprayed enzyme cleaner as it was too late in the night for me to feel like washing a blanket and being up an hour or two longer than necessary.
I had to come to terms that it's happening...that it's happening and I need to get a grip, accept it, mourn it, and realize it's just part of life.
I talked to her, bawled, and went about setting up the bathroom into a little haven for her. She seems to really enjoy being able to be seculded. Doesn't have to worry about Cordelia interrupting her breakfast/lunch/dinner and can sleep in a cozy cat bed layered with blankets. I just shut the bedroom door now when I have the bathroom door open. While I'm home I can keep an eye on the living room and office, so she has the option of coming and going as she pleases.
I know, at some point, I'll have to evaluate the quality of life she's living....I'm still dealing with feelings on if the vet will think I'm a cat murderer.
I know vets are no better than human doctors; diagnosis is often times an educated guess. Honestly, no one has ever taken a stab to guess how old Bella Mae really is. She had issues from the start. I've spent a lot already in vet care. It's basically gotten to the point where any more diagnosis would be invasive and she is not healthy enough right now for that.
Right now it's feeding her food she enjoys eating, providing drinking water, a safe haven, comfort, and easy access to the litter box.
It's just very hard right now. It's the holiday season. No one wants to hear sob stories during the holidays. People at work expect you to be happy, helpful, and fully functional. Ignore the fact you are run-down, exhausted, and dealing with chronic headaches because you have painfully swollen lymph nodes. It is trying right now because you're asked by someone 'How are you? :D' and you know they do not *really* want to know how you are. You're asked that every time they see you these past few days and you would just like to grab her by the shoulders and say 'You really don't care, so why don't you stop asking?!?'
I feel terrible. I know she means well, but she has her whole agenda right now....I'm not part of it. I just say 'ask me later' or 'I'm fine' because I'm too wordy otherwise.
And with not feeling physically well, on top of not feeling emotionally well....it's the holidays and work is busy.  Mentally draining, and having to focus on being 'happy' all the time...it gets to be exhausting. I have to remind myself that I'm not smiling enough, I'm not doing 'this enough' or 'that enough' and it sucks.
She invited me to a party....I didn't go. I wanted to be at home where I could be how I really feel. I could relax...I could spend time with Bella Mae, and I could drink my beer in peace. I'm not paid to be fake happy at social get-togethers....I'd rather have that little bit of where I can just...be.
I'm afraid of her asking me why I didn't go last night...how do I answer without bursting into tears or being too wordy. My opening the store this a.m. wasn't a good enough excuse for her....she said I could leave early. She doesn't get that I do NOT feel WELL...but I'm working. I'm not asking to go to the doctor...not asking for a sick day...we do not have enough people to warrant that request. I'm basically doing her a favor.
I'd rather be home, sleeping. I'd rather be home spending time with Bella Mae while I can.
I know, it's just life. The way the world works. It is what it is.