Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A cold and windy day
Today is Bella Mae's vet appointment, and I'm feeling emotional. I'm not sure what to expect, and I'm not sure what will happen. I will say the worst fear I have is a vet talking me down-making me feel like what I'm doing is not enough. The last 'diagnosis' was a tentative one. IVDD-but if you want an honest opinion, I don't think that's the whole thing.
The other thing is I'm afraid that the vet (if it's the vet who 'diagnosed' Bella) will be upset that I didn't spend 50+ dollars on pain medication, let alone, alter the dosage because it made her act stoned.
Frankly, the last time I gave her pain medication I don't think it did anything.
Bella Mae is going though personality changes, changes of habit, and other things. The other thing I'm worried about somewhat and feel terrible about is that Cordelia seems to be picking on her more. I think it's all part of the fact Bella Mae is not well. So, Cordelia is doing what tends to happen with multiple cat house holds with an unwell cat-pick.
The other thing that will prove to be frustrating is if her blood work turns out normalish-then I will not get anywhere at all.
I don't know what to do. The pressure I'm putting on myself is terrible. The feeling of sadness, worry, and frustration combined makes me want to cry. Because there is something amiss; this isn't normal cat behavior, this isn't normal for good health. I lie in bed and automatically pick up the sounds of Bella throwing up partially digested food-some bile mixed in, and dry-heaving at the end. You can tell she's unhappy, uncomfortable, and maybe even embarrassed for the fact she is now throwing up on the couch regularly.
She's lying in front of the litter box on a regular basis-periodically throwing up all over the litter mat. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I research and read so many things, but then, too, you end up worrying over 'what ifs' and trying to solve mysteries on your own with only half the clues. The other thing I fear is 'what if' it's something very extensive, expensive, and would ultimately create more discomfort for Bella Mae than what I'd want to give. But the scenario would also include that whatever treatments and availabilities there were, it would lengthen her life. I worry that even if it would elongate her life-if it caused her more stress than needed...would it be worth it? I worry that there would be people who would be offended if I chose not to go tedious lengths in preserving a life that would eventually go into a decline for the worst. Would that make me a bad person?
Honestly, I've never been in a position with a pet where I had to make decisions such as that. My first cat I watched die a little every day until I came home from school one afternoon and she had passed. It was a terrible experience for me, and I never got an answer. My family wasn't one to take cats in for check-ups. You took them in, got them fixed, and brought them home. That's it.
I consider my cats like children, and as do others. Then that brings about difficulties. How much do you 'humanize' a companion animal?
I do not want to do something out of selfish reasons simply to keep a beloved animal alive longer-if it affects their overall, quality of life.
I do not want to invade Bella's system with copious amounts of pain-killers or drugs that would essentially cause more issues or mask symptoms that would be helpful in determining what is wrong. Unfortunately a holistic vet in the area is non-existent.
I know I'm jumping the gun with this troublesome topic for myself; but I know someday it will not be a 'topic' and will actually be reality-one of which I will have to make decisions and face consequences of people on either side being upset with me over one thing or another. Why can't I seem to ever be faced with a decision that wouldn't be so difficult?