Learning to eat and other things

It can be a bit odd to read someone saying 'I'm learning to eat.' It could be taken in many different ways. One of which, perhaps an accident which made them unable to feed themselves. But for me, there are at least two different things this means for me; easily combined into one.
When I was younger, I loved to eat. I took pride in the amount I could eat. Remember when you would go to restaurants with your parents or grandparents and they would tell you to 'clean your plate' or 'have one more bite', then you could get dessert or at least praise for cleaning your plate.
I had a love affair with food at a young age. I also had grandparents who were amazing cooks. Also, they would buy ice cream, chips, cookies (or make homemade cookies)...cake, homemade bread. I had so many unhealthy options....all of which I loved. I also had grandparents who expected you to eat. I still get 'the looks' if I go down to Grandma Smith's and do not eat lunch. I eat at odd times anymore due to my job. If I'm not hungry, I'm not hungry.
Eventually I was sick of being 'chunky'. Over one summer I went from 140 to 125, and eventually by my senior year I dropped down to 110. I started working out; doing crunches, squats, and push ups 2 times a day. I also helped on the farm with unloading hay, etc. and milking. I looked good. (or so people said).
But then, a feeling of having lost control over my life and soul lead me down to a path that involved something called 'ED'.
Bulimia took over my life.
And the thing that makes me so angry, the thing that some people just do not understand...I was NEVER proud or gloating of my bulimia. I was self-conscious, embarrassed, and overall ashamed. Eventually my daily ritual of getting 'rid' of my supper turned into me also getting 'rid' of my lunch (at school).
I know people talked...hushed whispers no doubtfully exchanged in my art class or at the lunch table.
The thing that makes me sick is how twisted people can be. There was another girl I know of, for sure, who was bulimic. She was part of the 'in' crowd. So people were concerned over her...wanted to start an intervention. Were shocked and upset.
Me? I'm made a mockery? Two people, same thing...yet popularity and notoriety gives one support and care while the other is made to feel like a rotten soul of nothing?
Funny thing about ED is that ED is not a thing to care of race, age, sex, looks, or financial stability.
People also start for many reasons...some for control, others for fear of weight...and I'm sure other things as well.

Fast forward to several years later. I'm not 'suffering' anymore, but still have the guilt when I eat. Over the past years, the little tendrils of depression have snagged me more than once.
Eventually I landed a job that made me feel at home. People who didn't seem to judge me and my every move. I learned about food; organic, local, sustainable...have been able to try various fruits and veggies. Also, really awesome cookies for $.99 cents.
I think on top of everything, getting more comfortable in my own skin. Finding acceptance, battling depression and loneliness...eventually weight that was so hard for me to keep off without obsessive tendencies crept back.
I, somehow, still fit in the same size pants...so it's not a question of that. They might not have as much give tho.
Now I'm back in the 120's...a place I hadn't been in since '00/'01 or slightly earlier. There is a mixture of emotions with this. People say I'm so 'skinny' but it is hard to believe that when you do not 'see' it or 'feel' it.
It's hard to feel comfortable when one has battled so long and hard with themselves. The only way for me not to have excess weight is to eliminate many of the foods I enjoy and go back to manual labor on a farm and obsessive exercising. I lost my weight first before acquiring ED...so I don't feel ED kept the weight off. My lifestyle has changed tho. And my genetics are as such that if I looked at a 24 layer chocolate cake, I'd add on 24 layers to my ass.

Eat Pray Love is a movie I saw last night. Granted Julia Roberts has NOTHING to worry about in the weight department; she gave me some motivation. And really, common logic is that anything in moderation is ok. I would probably feel MORE fulfilled in my eating if I ate something truly enjoyable for my meals vs. settling. Texture, color, flavor...it's all part of it.
I made a breakfast today for Bill and myself. Hash browns and sliced sweet mini peppers, along with a couple divina tomatoes. Garlic and Herb and Garlic and Bell pepper spices added. Lightly scramble eggs until they are cooked enough you can dump them in the mix (the eggs are also seasoned). Cheese-Wildflower Cheddar and Parmesan...sprinkle on top. I noted on how the cheddar is difficult to cut 'against the grain'...it was beautiful. The colors...yellows, reds, browned potatoes...the smells...the bits of color from the herbs and spices.
The texture of eggs, the slight crunch and chew of potato. Crispness of pepper slices, the melting goo of cheese that gives a zing to your tongue. Garlic...my most favorite cooking spice. (or herb?)...the colors and texture...and the sweet grape jelly on a dense slice of wheat bread...combine those flavors with the others and you truly have a dance party.
Maybe a stray cat hair or two...but that just makes it even better.

Wouldn't it be fun

if someday this 'blog' became a book?
Anyways.
The AC is now back in the window, two holes drilled into the trap, also set up at more of an angle so the water (should) drip down vs. being level and all that other stuff (aka crap).
I'm watching the final episodes of my Dark Shadows series (the 1991 version). It's exciting because the second episode is the only one I saw (back in the day) and is what turned me on to Vampires. This series is what made me fall in love with all vampire movies...granted watching it now is EPIC cheese.
Sad...the cute guy just died. (and the cute guy later played Jarod in The Pretender...which I watched as long as I could on NBC).

So, today I did a full-house vacuum...the dust buster temporarily out of commission due to the filter having been washed. (now dry). I vacuumed all the floors...dismayed at the lack of suction. Sad.
The carpet I had to get on my hands and knees and spray with enzyme cleaner (to help the hair stick...also to help 'clean' it more so than just brushing alone) and used my little hand brush to 'sweep' the fur into clumps. This, by far, is the easiest route to get trapped fur out of a space rug.
(I would love to know of what anyone else uses for pet fur clean up. A special vacuum? Do swiffer sweepers work?)

I must laugh, Cordelia Joy just touched Bella Mae's rump. Like 'Heeee I touched youuuuuu!'

More Taste of the Wild food bought...canned and dry. A gifty for a friend who acquired a kitty (her pup's birthday is the 16th if I remember correctly) and I hope to get something sent to her soon! At least after payday. I also bought a book (Eat Pray Love)...maybe this is something I have to do....take a trip..a tour...leave no carb behind. Live...let loose...be alive...grow more.

Today I had another childish moment, and I seriously wonder what my husband sees in me at times. I feel bad for my reactions...which are exceedingly more so because I can't sleep worth a damn.
If I were not so tired, my reactions might've been less.

Right now the kitties are my one claim (overall) to sanity. Gosh, sometimes I feel so lost with Bella Mae and her reactions...her seemingly sensitive spots....I want to help her and make everything better instantly. Cordelia Joy...her silly actions...sometimes she exasperates me...but I have nothing but love for her.

Oh my little kitties...how similar yet so different. Cordelia barely sheds, Bella Mae sheds like crazy. Bella Mae doesn't bury her 'stuff' but Cordelia Joy makes a huge burial in the litter box. Bella Mae is sedate where Cordelia is on cat crack (but seriously not as she is still too young to react to catnip.).

So, my day is complete for now...the kitties and I will soon go to bed (or more like they will sleep and I will toss and turn.)

And so

It is almost Bella Mae's birthday. Amazing. I've lived in Decorah for almost a year, I've had the most amazing cat in my life for almost year. Simply amazing.

One thing that no one really would have expected was my adopting a new addition to the family. Cordelia Joy.

I adopted Cordelia though Paw of Decorah, and at first I will admit, it was more nerves at first sight rather than love. A long-furred Tortie that did not seem thrilled to have me hold her. More like she scratched me and then fell in love with Bill and his shoelaces. I figured that this would end up being more 'his' baby, even tho I would be the one taking care of her, feeding her, bathing her, and doing all the 'dirty work'. (Even tho Bill does clean the boxes out here and there and will feed the 'kids' while I'm gone...majority falls on me.)

It had been a LONG time since I had raised a kitten. You would think that I would remember things...like the playfulness, breaking sound barriers with lightning speed, and essentially-getting into loads of mischief.

I would be lying if I fully believed it would be easy. I would also be lying if I said I fully enjoyed every waking (or not) moment of kitten-hood...but overall, I'd be lying if I said I didn't love Cordelia Joy and the literal joy she brings. Even if her middle name is mischief.

Things went, well, not so smoothly. The day I brought Cordelia Joy home I had to drive all the way to Postville to get her (from the vet). Subsequently on the way home she had urinated in her carrier; soaking the mat and getting pee on her feet, etc. Great! Then upon further inspection saw she had fleas, which spurred me to put Frontline on. Then soon after the vet called and informed me they had put Advantage on her. Great. Also for added effect I combed her with coconut oil, which resulted in shiny, styleable fur. Spiky looks are totally in.

Bella Mae was totally offended by the new addition, and made her dissatisfaction known to me by growling at me whenever I got close and she could smell 'that cat'. There was no appealing to her kinder senses, washing arms/hands worked not so much. I knew that I was on Bella Mae's shit list. Then came my trying to introduce them properly...keeping Cordelia in a separate room and letting Bella Mae sniff a sock with her scent, and all that good stuff. Needless to say, after the first night of hearing Cordelia meow and cry at the top of her lungs. Lunging herself at the hanging carpet-scratcher and proceeding to kick the door and causing a good amount of scratches....that whole idea failed.

The moment I came home and she heard me, her meows reverberated throughout the home, cries of agony could be heard, and I did not doubt the neighbor wondered what in the hell I was doing to the poor kitten. I would spend much time in the same room as Cordelia. Combing out fleas, playing, and feeding her. This was what lead to the second night....where I slept on the couch. Cordelia Joy followed me to bed, Bella Mae was unknowing of the intrusion in our bed. Saw the kitten and got very growly and hissy out of protest and left. If Bella Mae wouldn't sleep with her, then I would sleep with both of them out in the living room. Bella Mae was on the cat tree, the kitten between my legs, and me with a kink in my neck. After you let the new arrival sleep outside the cat room, there is no going back. She was locked up during the day the next day and then I subsequently gave up and let her stay out....counting down the hours at work and praying hard that I would come home to the house still intact and no blood or guts from a voracious cat-fight with the kitten being lunch.

Overall tho, as time progressed, you could see Bella Mae was more annoyed at the 'furball' than anything. It made me feel better to see she did NOT fear this creature, and would proceed to 'pwn' her by batting her on the head, growling, hissing, and chasing her around. Cordelia Joy is not fearful by any means. She will actually initiate these games of 'cat and mouse' and try to make Bella Mae's life not so much miserable, but to antagonize her some. What is more fun than challenging authority?

I have now remembered why people start off with baby animals before having human-children. I will say I have had my fill of 'youngness' for the time being, and that having kitties currently fulfills that need I have of 'mothering' and meets the 'worry quota' just as quickly, if not moreso, than a human child (for me).

I will say too, even tho Cordelia and I didn't seem to love each other completely the first time we met, she is without question or doubt, a mamma's girl. I think several reasons, besides me being the one home all the time...but that she is a 'girl' and a prissy princess (and I mean that with endearment).

Bella Mae is still the queen, and is back to health after her mystery illness that some of you knew from my Facebook page. Eating, drinking, full of spunk when need be, and loving her cat naps. I'm now lucky enough to have at times, two sleeping companions with me at night (three if hubby is home).

Right now I am content, and I feel my family is now complete...my floor is like any other floor...covered in toys. Cat toys that is.

My kids do not eat with grace and cleanliness all the time...

and messy diapers? More like kitty litter and battling the tracking it does all over the floor and other places.

Sometimes having to wipe the occasional 'poopypaw' if Bella Mae has loose stools...which results in a temper tantrum that could rival the most aggressive 3 year old.

Would I change anything? No. Right now this is my way of dabbling in parent-hood....these kitties are my sunshine...and they are helping me pave the way to my future career (my hope) and learning what I can about proper nutrition, etc.

For all that I know (which is a lot yet not) I am good at what I do (being a cat mom).