Friday, April 5, 2013

Found hidden

an email from 2009, that I had written to a couple close persons in my life. It has me thinking about some things.

I was in counseling at the issues cropped up...I was going back over old I really do feel like I've come a LONG way. I'm aware of my coping and that sort of thing...I know there are still things to work on-but I can say I've improved a heck of a lot.
I sound so sad in that email.--------------------
These are my wishes.
To feel confident in myself, to feel sure of myself (Forever a work in progress, to feel confident and sure of myself. Purchasing my first bike as an adult, without consult from both parent and husband...and then reaching the deciding factor that I needed a divorce. Since then, my confidence and "sureness" have reached all-time highs, but there are shreds of doubt here and there.)
To not second guess every decision, because I generally make smart decisions...but not feeling any confidence makes me question my every move.  (I did not second guess my bike purchase. In fact, a co-worker kept telling me I wouldn't buy a bike that day. Oh HO! Yes I would! Having made a successful decision with that, plus my making a successful decision with my second bike. As well as getting the needed divorce...all attribute to my making more successful decisions now.)
I'm hyper-sensitive...I try to live my life for other people, I try to keep the peace, keep MYSELF in check. Fearing a wrong move, wrong word, etc. will spark controversy or upset. (I had to say "fu" to making a wrong move or wrong word when telling my ex-husband that the marriage was over. I also had to tell myself another "shush" when it turned out that a good, healthy relationship was right around the corner. Do not fret nor worry so much about what other people think all the darned time. Easier said than done, but having a happier and healthy Josie is so important.)
I would like to allow myself to have the intimacy and love I deserve. I feel like I deserve nothing; I have to earn it, and even IF I earn I really deserve it? (I realized that my ex-husband was not providing what I needed in life. On so many levels. It wasn't his "fault" but I had to step up and say enough was enough. I'm in a much better place now with a relationship that really makes me see what a POSITIVE and HEALTHY relationship can provide. It's scary, still...and I'm not always confident nor sure...but I'm experiencing the healing that it can give.)
I'd like to feel I can accomplish something or do well at something. I'm sitting, always wondering what I should do better, if I've done enough, if I've sacrificed I ENOUGH? in general. (I accomplished biking year-round or at least you could say half a year...I commuted to work on a daily basis...rain or shine, snow or freezing...I did it. Bad weather days I rode my bike vs. drive my car...and felt much more confident in my safety. I received compliments on my "ballvery" as well as kudos for being a first-year-winter-rider. I felt and do feel very accomplished. I've intermeshed myself more in the community, and earned some respect, and have become HEALTHIER.)
I cannot accept compliments...I simply do not have it in me to believe anything good said about me. Counselor said she sees me as a thoughtful, kind, and nice person...I know I am so, but inside my other voice tells me that I'm not...because I haven't achieved those things; and if I have, I haven't achieved enough. (I've become a bit better at accepting compliments, but it is a day-by-day basis. I know the other voice inside of me is based on my insecurities. Not truth.)
It depends on the situation and person, sometimes I can believe compliments/comments for awhile, but eventually when I think back on it, instead of boosting me up and having me feel warm and fuzzy, I wonder if it's true at all. (I've learned that the voice that makes me wonder is my self-doubt. That will exist to an extent for likely the rest of my life, but with changes I've made...people I've incorporated into my life-I can see differences and subtle truths. I can actually not question the compliment to death.)
I've had people say nice things and essentially dump me, leave me, abandon/replace me. (Simply put, those people weren't worth having in my life.)
Bill says I'm beautiful, or I'm kind or nice or whathaveyou...rarely do I believe it. (How could I believe someone who turned to various things? My sexual confidence, let alone my physical, emotional, and mental confidence(s) and image(s) were crushed. You can't believe someone who always chose a vice over you.)
Anyone else can say it; I won't believe it very long. (I've found with gradual healing....I can believe it. I might joke about it a bit...tone it down some...but when my partner/boyfriend/lover...whatever one wants to call him...when HE says it...I feel it's true. FEEL...not just hear it.)

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