Thursday, September 20, 2012

Ups and downs

Yup, definitely going through the emotional ups and downs. At one point this week I talked to my mum and told her "you know? I spent almost 6 years of trying to feel like I was a wife/married". Just never happened.

Sitting back and reflecting on the decisions that were made. I also have come to the realization that I really can't believe one of the things that Bill told me-that he joined a dating site just because 2 guys he knew had profiles. He was being charged for full services-you have to put in BILLING information in order to be CHARGED.

I was so fucking stupid to believe him.

I didn't want to believe otherwise. That was my choice and mine alone. I chose to believe him, because at the time I wasn't strong or brave enough to go on otherwise.

How much growing up I've done over the years.
It's not easy to acknowledge and accept some of the decisions I made in the past. However, I was not at a point to make them differently.
I had to learn more about what I wanted and needed out of myself, and out of life.
I'm still grasping that.

I pushed myself on my bike ride today, the wind was strong, but I decided "hey, it'll be better when I turn around and head back home" plus, I had an entire chocolate bar yesterday. Also, the fact my day started off well, and a friend and I are going to go to a concert in November (to see Fun.)

I went, I got to my usual turn around point, and then I realized I frickn' lied to myself. The ride back was just as hard, if not harder!

My birthday is creeping neighbor/friend, Gaby and I are planning a shingdig. It'll be great! Good times with good friends, some adult beverages and scavenger hunting (along with a fake mustache)


  1. That's a cute photo--great for a dating site profile if YOU go that route. I did for a very short time, no payments though!--and it wasn't my thing at all. I'd get messages, asking me to post more pics of myself. Yeah, right. But it seems to work for some. Maybe. Depending on what they want. :-)

    Two quotes that come to mind, because it's not like I have a original thought myself:

    You're free to choose your actions. You're not free to choose the consequences of your actions. -Stephen Covey, I believe.

    And a quote from Marc and Angel Hack Life (check out that blog if you don't know it): No matter how many times you revisit the past, nothing changes.

    And so it goes. :-)

  2. That's unfortunately a common mis trusting step women make. Having a belief in their man that a) he loves her still and b) he's being faithful and c) he's not lying. I'm very sorry. Which site was it? Ashley Madison is the nastyist (how do you spell that) site out there. Well, that I'm aware of. That's where I found mine was going. Unfortunately, hook-ups are so much more prominent than you wish to think. At least you are free now and can move forward, forward being the key word here. Have a good weekend mustache girl.

  3. Thanks both for the comments. I can't remember the site anymore-it would be located on some very old credit card statements-but Bill has those, and am not going to ask him to tell me the site himself. :)

    At least, I can live without doubt centering around HIM anymore. I can focus on me, and being the best me I can be...without having to smother myself and my needs.

    Co-worker/friend purposely got me riled up....and I have just unleashed a load of tears that have been pent up all day today (and part of last night) as much as I dislike crying right now, I'm glad for it.

  4. Crying is healthy. Do it. And do it some more. It will make you feel better.