We had spent some time together in bed before the appointment. I gave her some Reiki (as well as myself). Bill came in, hugged me, and said he was going to start my car.
After he came in, I got my boots on. Peed for the 100th time, and then got the carrier ready. I asked Bella if she wanted anything special or extra (such as a blanket) and had gotten a no. She was fine as is. So I go to pick her up. The thing that struck my heart so badly was the fact that she started to purr.
She knew. Granted, she wasn't thrilled with getting into the carrier-she did.
Didn't make a peep to the clinic either, except when we were almost there. It was like she sang a little.
That basically solidified that she knew...she was happy. I had asked her that morning if this is what she wanted and had gotten a 'yes' with the pendulum.
They were very kind when I got there. We got into the room right away. Had standard questions asked, kleenex brought in. I let Bella out and she just purred and talked a little. We had to wait a few minutes....seemed like forever. I walked around holding Bella, getting her fur all over me (because she hated to be brushed) and listening to her purr and meow.
The vet came in, and thankfully it was the vet we were used to. I like him, he seems very kind. Not that I would've turned away any other vet-but this vet was the first to see her. He was very sympathetic-his words made me feel a hair better. That I had exhausted all effort into making her life good-that they had done all they could to try and figure out what was going on with her. That it was her personality-her sheer will-she would fight until the end. (Referring to her age, her past-unknown, and all she had been through in general)
I worried so much that I would be looked at as a 'cat killer'.
He put his hand on my shoulder when it was over with. Said we could take all the time we needed. They had let us pet her during the process. She did so well. She left with her dignity. It was very quick-My knowing that she was ready.
I was so thankful-my fears of being 'that kind of person' who just 'gets rid' of sick cats was wiped away a little. I still feel like beating myself up tho. It will take time before that can heal.
I was told I didn't have to pay that day-they'd send me a bill or I'd be paying when I pick up her ashes-about a week she said.
This kind of steps away from the 'order' of events, but I'm friends with the Vet Assistant on FB-and she posted a very kind comment to my page. That *really* helped me sleep last night.
My heart doesn't hurt as painfully today-still hurts...but it's only day 1.
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