Part 1.

My beloved 'Osho'-2009-2011

Yesterday I had a feeling something was going on. Especially after I realized that she had to have thrown up again during the night/early a.m.
She 'lost' her meow. She didn't really seem to want to eat, but would drink water. A sign of good faith I suppose, and some licking of moist food-all to convince me to go and visit my dad, cut my friend's hair, and have lunch with my mum.

I came home that afternoon, tired but ready to go and clean all the litter boxes. Something says accomplished like having shiny, clean, scrubbed litter-totes. Plus it's a lot of lifting, hacking, and sniffling from the Swheat Scoop dust, etc. and the enzyme spray (eco-friendly yes, but stinky too.)

Bella was eagerly walking around and scoping out the action. CordieJoy was befuddled, or just very excited. It was nice too, because I could Dust Bust a bunch of extra litter 'crap'. It makes me feel good to provide a clean potty area for them.

After doing two litter boxes, I figured it was warm enough to leave the main door open. I have a storm door-I hooked the hook and let the kitties enjoy the extra sunshine. Bella was acting like she wanted out really badly; I held her in my arms. She got to see her daddy come home. I finished up the litter boxes and Bella still wanted out. I decided 'oh hell' it wouldn't hurt to hold her in my arms and give her a taste of fresh air. So I held her in my arms and walked around the yard and up the side walk a little with her. She purred and tried to meow a little. She seemed very happy. I didn't let her down tho, it was muddy and sloppy. I highly doubt a bath was on her mind.

After getting back inside I opened the screen window and let some air into the house.

I was tired, I sat on the couch and just soaked in the sun and the air. Dr. Phil was on-I got up to make some tea and looked into the office room (still at large as to what to call it)
Both Cordelia and Bella were sleeping in the cat tree. Side by side.
What the heck? Cordelia and Bella Mae acting....sweet?
I think that was one of the nails in the coffin.

Over the course of the evening, you could see Bella was feeling worse. More shaky on her feet, still not wanting to eat. Not really drinking water-she felt stiff. Tough...like there wasn't any elasticity in her skin anymore.
She was in bed, Cordelia with her. Cordelia stayed with her all night.

When Bill and I laid in bed, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and yet...I had to ask.
"Bill?"
"Yes?"
"What....what if Bella...if Bella is like this tomorrow? I don't even want to ask...but maybe...we should call the vet..."
"I know, Honey. I was thinking the same thing."

We discussed this topic over for a long while last night. We came to the conclusion that we wanted Bella to have all of her dignity. To imagine what it might feel like to be dehydrated, not able to eat...it was too much for me. I cried.

I got up at some point in the morning to go to the bathroom and drink some water. Bella Mae got up and came into the bathroom. She slept in there most of the night.

Daybreak came, I had fallen asleep on and off throughout the night. Exhausted-Cordelia had come in to snuggle with me. I pushed the side button on my cell-phone to see the time. 8:10 a.m....shit. Vet opened at 8 a.m. and would only be open until 12 p.m.
I jolted out of bed-to find Bella Mae walking toward the bathroom.

Part of me had a tiny bit of hope...maybe overnight everything went back to normal. She'd eat, drink, poop, pee, and be happy and healthy.
Second part of me was sad....because I had hoped if she was going to go-she would've decided for me and went.
Third-to have to make the decision.

I set food down, she hardly sniffed it. She drank some water. She looked up at me and then walked out.
I went and poured myself some coffee. Bill and I talked. Both expressing our hopes that we would've had some sort of resolution; nothing.
We both sat and drank our coffee in silence. Then went back over what we had talked about last night. Bella jumped into her cat perch, catching her leg while doing it.

Bill went out to have his smoke. I decided I should get some 'real' clothes on because I knew he would be calling soon. I came out of the bathroom to hear him crying over Bella. We hugged for awhile.
He called. I would've done it had I been alone, but I simply couldn't do it today. He said her appointment was at 10:15 a.m.
I had to ask...how they sounded on the phone. Bill said they sounded very sympathetic.

I'll leave the rest for tomorrow....