Accepting that good things do come to an end at some point

is very difficult. I'm not saying that I'm giving up, or that this will happen tomorrow. More or less this is me writing my thoughts out....trying to cope and deal with the fact it is unlikely I'll have Bella for 'years to come'

Last night Bella didn't eat when I came home the second time. And she spent all night by my side. Until about 6:30 I heard a racket. So got up. Bella Mae was on top of the stove, wanting to get to her food dish on top of the fridge.

I've given up entirely...every time I feed her I'll have to put the food back in the bag. Even Cordelia is wanting to counter jump for her treats now! I swear to God...

I'm having to give in to the fact that Bella Mae may not be around for another year...that there is more going on that the vet doesn't know...and wouldn't know unless maybe an x-ray, ultrasound, or cutting her open. Blood work being fine makes me think there is something going on like cancer.

I can't bring myself to take her to the vet when they might suggest doing something that would make her so uncomfortable and stressed. So the idea that a second time in my life I'll likely loose my beloved friend and not know any answers.

I feel Cordelia acts out right now because of all that is going on...to try and distract me. But I don't want naughty behavior! 

Told Bill about this...I'd rather stay in denial...but. (shrug) Mum says this all likely stemmed from her life before me. That she chose me (us) to be with for her 'ending place'...obviously where ever she was before she wasn't taken care of. Still feel like people just dumped her because she was having issues with throwing up, etc.

I'm just worried....what if it happens when I'm the only one home. What if it happens when I have to work the next day? I don't think sick time can be used for what most would deem as a 'loss of a pet'. I have no idea if Decorah Vet does cremation or if they can send her to a clinic that does. Might have to drive to LaCrosse or Monona (last mum knew Monona vet does)...I'm just really afraid to be alone with this sometimes. I was the one that found my first cat...and all I got before I saw her was my step-dad asking me if my alive cat was dead or if my dead cat was alive. Subsequently he apologized to me when I came out of the bathroom crying. Got a scissors to get a tuft of fur and paper towels to clean her up with.

I figured her spell months back was kind of a ..I don't know...a sign.

Rescuing bettas from the death trap that is Walmart is one thing....I tried and failed countless, but managed to have a handful last nearly 3 years+ which is amazing for a little fish. I've tried and failed with some other barn cats...this is going to be something that is almost harder for me than with Cutsie (my first cat)...I'm grown up now, I've invested time, invested money, researched, etc. How am I going to really know if what I'm doing is the right thing? I have to be her voice for the vet and for others who might question why I didn't do anything. Some people would think I'm flipping nuts already for the amount of money I have spent.