Monday, August 8, 2011

A personal post today.

I ended up finding this while browsing a blog site....found it quite interesting.

Being a woman in this day and age, hitting puberty at the age of 10, and subsequently being made to feel unattractive by my first ex boyfriend.
It's something to think about...
Watching t.v. you see many people changing the way the age, the way they look....botox injections, lipo, plastic surgery (in general-not for health reasons).

I remember the day I first realized I had breasts. It was picture school friend and I ended up wearing the exact same shirt. In the bathroom she poked my chest and asked what 'that' was. I remember going into the bathroom stall and looking down my shirt, shocked and appalled. I adjusted my ruffle and told her it was a wrinkle in my shirt.
I remember telling one of my school friends that I got my period....and then I remember people I never talked to asking me in a snide way if I got my period.
The shame I felt.

I was chunky growing of the first of my classmates (to my knowledge) to get her period...but I had really no support. No one to talk to about my changes. Jokes about my breast size...

I grew older...had my first boyfriend at the age of 15....I was in love, I guess....but in love with the wrong person. I ended up loving someone who was jealous, emotional, and mentally abusive.
I remember he told me I should shave.
I did...thinking if I was 'perfect' he'd always love me.
I heard two women on the Playboy channel talking about how completely shaved vulvas looked like plucked chickens or 'alien heads'....I also hated how it looked.
Never again.

Later in the relationship and during the end and beyond...I was told I smelled funny...that I was as loose as a goose...that I was terrible to have sex with and 'didn't know what I was doing'...that I needed 'practice'....

I was already insecure with myself...and to think of the source that those words came is completely laughable! 
But I was still hurt. Regardless.
You hear words like that from your have a hard time forgetting them, even if the source of those words was a poor excuse of the male sex. He liked to hurt me with words.

During my time with that person, I developed an eating disorder....used it to alleviate the stress that I accumulated during my relationship with him. I lost weight. (I also exercised and started eating a more 'healthy' amount of food...but I would periodically binge and purge...more often I would eat less and purge.)
I looked healthy...but I lost breast size.
I looked healthy...but I was hungry.
I looked healthy...but I wasn't.

Fast forward to the last 8+ years

I met Bill....he was kind to me...and the first time we met we shared a hug....what we dub as the 'greatest hug in the world.'
He knew some of my past, I knew some of his...we were both wounded people...that was probably a blessing and a curse. It's growing past the hurt and learning to heal and accept yourselves as individuals.

I was still 'practicing' my ED while dating him....but I was overcome with shame over it. I probably purged only a handful of times at the apartment...his schedule and mine did not coincide very much for my 'ritual'. And ultimately, I was tired of having to practice this ritual of purging.
Slowly but surely I gave up my destructive habit...but I still obsessed over what I ate. 
I still obsessed over my body.
How could I not? He had a particular quirk that turned my world upside down...and I would find myself comparing myself to perfect-looking, large-breasted, extroverted women.

There were bad times, very bad times, and times where I thought there was no way we would be together much longer.
There were good times, times where I felt like the most loved woman in the world...and that I knew we'd be together forever.

I'm in a good place right now....but am finding that over the past several years my body has changed yet again.
I'm healthy...but it's looking at the healthy me and being comfortable. It is easier said that done!
I'm curvy but according to many I'm still 'skinny'
I have an ass...and I say it's my best 'asset' 

I have spider veins
I have stretch marks on my thighs
I have beauty marks
I have pores
I have a high forehead
I have fine lines (especially when I smile they show)
I have a soft tummy area
I have cellulite
I have a short torso and long legs
I get zits
I have dry skin (especially my hands)
I have hairy arms
I have big feet

So what?
I like my curves
I like my eyes
I am learning to accept my tummy
I don't care that I have cellulite...not like I prance around naked in public.
I like my long legs (but finding jeans is difficult sometimes.)
I like my slender fingers. (especially when I'm holding hands)
I might have dry skin, but I have a soft touch
My feet...well...they are my feet. Hard to find shoes sometimes...easy to stub my toe...but they help me walk. So I love them.
Hairy arms? Well...I could be hairy all over.
Zits? I think everyone gets at least ONE in their lifetime. how to love myself as a woman.
Me...not comparing myself to everyone else around me.
Loving myself...loving my tummy...and my vulva.
I am a woman...and I will look like a woman...but be healthy while looking like a woman.

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