Sunday, November 14, 2010

Out across the endless sea

I will die in ecstasy....
Well....maybe not. At least pretty happy tho, for pancakes and sausage makes a great start to the day. Let me see. Two moody kitties (one moody, the other mischievous.)
Last night I had some mental upset. I feel like there are situations that I find myself in, and I feel like I'm judged or expected to go above and beyond what I can do at this particular moment. In the sense of giving away all my spare time and energy for something revolving around the one constant in my life already-work.
I feel like I'm having to sit and conform myself into something that I'm not. I feel like in order to find a mainstay and acceptance now I must lie about myself. Lie about how I really feel, and pretend to be happy not just to customers, but to those around me whom I was able to be open with. I feel like I'm a disappointment to authority. I feel like there must be something wrong with me because I may not be 'green' enough for some.
Instead of being accepted for wanting to better my health, better myself, and my husband and my animals....doing something isn't simply enough.
I feel like things are changing, and I hate saying it but it feels like high school again. I also hate saying I'm not comfortable expressing my opinions to those who are in this process either.
I'm sorry if I'm not feeling well 75% of the time. I'm sorry I am tired and not chipper on demand.

I'm a simple farm girl who is just, well, simple. I like things laid out, I like being authentic. I know when to put on my happy face and how to appeal to customers.
Maybe if I felt like I was listened to. There is the strain it puts on my marriage when I hardly have time to be with my spouse. Then for some reason my every other weekend off became nonexistent. You fail to realize, or at least will not accept the fact that it can't work unless there is another Saturday p.m. person. I have sacrificed over a year of weekends for work and have gotten nothing in return. I feel it is becoming a thankless job. I'm not fitting into the scheme of things anymore.
Anyways....'nuff of that.

A few flakes of snow, in which I hope to not see when I leave the house today. Trip to LaCrosse with my mum might be postponed if it snows. It's Iowa people! It snows! If you've lived here for a couple years or so you know it flippn' snows. Why do you cease to believe that if the roads are wet, slick, slushy, or otherwise bad it is safe to go 60+ miles per hour. Guaranteed to see cars in ditches all over the place during the first "real snow".

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